Charles Barkley’s Pizza Order Line-Ups


The draft is done, and we had more survivors than ever! I even scored some primo interviews with all the first round draft picks.

Here’s the way it broke down:

Big Country Gregg picked first.


F LeBron James
F/C Pau Gasol
F Danny Granger
G Jason Kidd
G Steve Nash
G Jose Calderon
F David West
G Baron Davis
F/C Marcus Camby
G Mo Williams
C Aaron Brooks
C Al Horford

J: LeBron, how does it feel to be selected first overall in the Charles Barkley’s Pizza Order draft once again? Congrats on being captain of the Cavs and the Rambises.
LJ: I’m not LeBron anymore. I’m LeShaq.
J: LeShaq? You do know that Shaq didn’t make Team Rambis, right? Shaq is one of my Robots from Stockton’s Robot Factory.
LJ: He’s not Shaq anymore. He’s BrONeal.
J: Okay. But how is to be a Rambi?
LJ: You may go now.

Crazy J picked second (that’s me!).


G Dwyane Wade
C/F Al Jefferson
C/F Chris Bosh
F Carmelo Anthony
G/F Andre Igudala
F Blake Griffin
G/F Stephen Jackson
G Vince Carter
C/F Shaquille O’Neal
G Andre Miller
G Jameer Nelson
C/F Andrew Bynum

J: Dwyane, you’re playing for the Robot Factory once again, and we are very grateful to have you.
DW: Good move, J. Remember the last time I was in a contract year from 1996-1998? I led the league in scoring every year and took home 3 Finals MVPs.
J: Oh lord… Dwyane, you know you weren’t playing NBA ball in the ’90s, man. You know that! You are NOT that guy.
DW: But… but the doctor said I was cured. J, do you think I’m a reincarnation and I’ve got that guy’s memories in my head?
J: NO! That guy is still alive! You’re just a kid from Chicago who watched too many Bulls games at too young an age! That doesn’t make you HIM.
DW: …Ben Gordon?

Slick Chris picked 3rd


G Chris Paul
F Dirk Nowitzki
C Amare Stoudemire
G Devin Harris
F Carlos Boozer
G Monta Ellis
F/C Zach Randolph
G Kevin Martin
G/F Hedo Turkoglu
F Tayshaun Prince
F/C Mehmet Okur
G Gilbert Arenas

CP: J, I don’t even want to talk to you.
J: Why?
CP: I lead the Pizza Order in fantasy points per game last season. I am the premier robot point guard ever to come out of Stockton’s Factory, and still you don’t select me with Stockton’s Robot Factory’s #1 pick. What’s the deal, J?
J: Wade is a legacy. Plus he’s in a contract year.
CP: But I’ve got upgrades, J. My suspension’s been redone.
J: I’m sorry, Chris.
CP: You better be! I’m going to go dribble until my emotion cortex cooler kicks in.

UNK-a-lunk picked 4th.


G Kobe Bryant
F/C Tim Duncan
G Joe Johnson
G Chauncey Billups
F LaMarcus Aldridge
F Rashard Lewis
F/G Richard Jefferson
F Rudy Gay
G Jason Terry
F Paul Milsap
F Shawn Marion
G O.J. Mayo

J: Mamba! You went 4th this year. That’s one better than last year.
KB: Did I tell you I was the best, J? I told you.
J: Yes you did. After pretty much every game.
KB: So what chumps got picked before me?
J: Bron, Wade, and CP3.
KB: Pff! I was better than them in 1998, and I’m better than them now. I’m Kobe F’N Bryant! King Kong ain’t got shit on me!
J: So are you guaranteeing victory for your new team, Lucious Frazier’s Five?
KB: 5? With me on his team, Lucious should only field 3. 4 tops!

Chadintology picked 5th.


G Deron Williams
G Brandon Roy
F Kevin Garnett
F Gerald Wallace
G Rajon Rondo
F Caron Butler
C Emeka Okafor
G Ben Gordon
F Josh Smith
C Brook Lopez
F Jeff Green
G Nate Robinson

J: So Deron, we’re going to miss you down at Stockton’s Robot Factory, but congrats on going in the first round!
DW: I went in the first round? Would you tell Coach Sloan? He keeps telling the team we’ve got no superstars and need to run the system.
J: Sorry buddy. I’d love to help, but every time I talk to Jerry Sloan he asks me if I “want to throw down.”
DW: Yeah, that’s what he says to everybody.
J: Well it’s scary.
DW: Damn straight! You know how Karl Malone lost his hair, J? He missed too many playoff free throws and had to throw down with Coach Sloan. It changes a man, J.

PM Dunk picked 6th, or as we call it in the Pizza Order, last.


C Dwight Howard
G/F Kevin Durant
F Antawn Jamison
F/C David Lee
G Derrick Rose
G Tony Parker
F/C Troy Murphy
F Paul Pierce
G/F John Salmons
G Russell Westbrook
C Nene Hilario
G Ray Allen

J: Dwight, how does it feel to join the defending champion Whack Mamba?
DH: Oh man, J, it’s just a dream come true, you know? Playing for commissioner PM… It’s just such a relief!
J: Was playing for UNK last year that bad?
DH: UNK? Naw, UNK was great. But between Coach Van Gundy and Coach Ewing, I couldn’t do anything right!
J: They were pretty hard on you.
DH: Pat still has me running laps for not converting that alleyhoop against Cleveland. I tell him every day, “We won the series!”, and everyday he adds another lap.


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