Bryon Russell’s Heel Turn. Michael Jordan as WWE Hero?

by

All credit to Henry Abbott at Truehoop for noticing the corollary here.

Here’s the basics – Jordan’s egomaniac Hall of Fame induction speech took a backhanded compliment style pot shot at poor old Bryon Russell. Remember him?

Sure you do! Well Russell didn’t have any problem with it. He knew MJ, played with him during his Wizard’s comeback, and took the comments in stride. Heck, he got credit with motivating Jordan to return to the NBA and making everyone a whole lot of money. Good on you Bry! Well the owner of the DLeague team, the Utah Flash thinks Mike’s speech was a travesty (or a great publicity opportunity) and has issued a challenge for Russell and Jordan to meet in a 1 on 1 for charity. Russell has been playing it up, back in the public eye for the first time in a long time, and as Abbott wrote:

Somewhere around there the whole thing starts to get just a whiff of, say, professional wrestling.

I love it. Here’s what would happen if this dumb idea was actually a Vince McMahon show. They need to get Bruce Buffer to do the intros and Marv Albert and Kevin Harlan to co-announce the game with Bill Walton & Walt Frazier for color. That’s a given.

The first half of the Utah Flash game comes to an end, and the sound system goes silent. Nelly’s “I am #1” blares over the speakers.

Marv: That’s, that’s Bryon Russell’s music!
Harlan: He thinks he’s the #1 player ever. He’s going down hard!
Walton: Russell is TERRIBBLE!
Clyde: His game is deplorable and ignorable.

Russell struts onto the court dressed in his old Jazz uniform. The crowd starts booing.

Buffer: From California State Long Beach, a 6′ 7″ forward, BRRYYY-ON RUUUUUSSELLL.

More booing. Russell takes a mic.

Russell: MJ’s not going to show up, you brainwashed consumer drones! Your hero’s not here! He doesn’t care about you! He doesn’t care about charity!

Marv: The crowd is letting Russell have it.

Russell: Michael Jordan is scared. Michael Jordan is old! Michael Jordan is coward! Michael Jo…

Jay Z’s “Dirt Off Your Shoulders” cuts off Russell’s rant with a smooth, “Ya now tuned into the muthaf**kin’ greatest!”

Marv: It’s Michael Jordan! Yes!

A montage of ridiculous Jordan highlights strobes across the Jumbotron. The crowd goes berzerk. 15 seconds of screaming and highlights go by and then Jordan strides out onto the court looking like an old man in a jacked up steroid body stuffed into a red Chicago Bulls road uni that says 23 on it.

Harlan: Jordan looks terrific!

Buffer: FRRROOOMMMM NORTH CAAAAROLINA at guard, six-six MMIIIIIICHAAELLLLL JJJJOOORRDDANN!!!!

The crowd has completely lost it’s collective mind as old man Michael approaches Russell.

Walton: No love lost here, Clyde. It’s like Neil Young squaring off against Crosby, Stills, and Nash!
Clyde: Indubitably.

Jordan slaps the mic out of Russell’s hand and points to the time keeper. The ref comes onto the floor for the coin toss, but Jordan just shakes his head. He grabs the ball from the ref and just tosses it to Russell.

Marv: Doesn’t look like MJ has anything to say.
Kevin: He’ll let his game speak for him and for these fans.

The buzzer sounds. The game starts. Jordan starts a steady stream of trashtalk, digging into Russell on defense. Russell “doesn’t protect the ball” and Jordan takes it and scores on a quick bank shot. The crowd goes insane. Jordan builds an early lead, but Russell bullies his way back into it to a chorus of boos. An M-V-P! M-V-P! chant takes over the arena, and Jordan starts to pull away on a series of fadeaways and a fingertip dunk when Russell “trips” on defense.

Harlan: Up high, down hard!
Marv: YYEESSS!
Walton: Throw it down, young man!
Clyde: Bill, he’s 45.

The Flash owner distracts the refs and Russell hits MJ with rosin to the eyes.

Walton: That’s terrible.
Marv: Jordan, blinded by rosin.
Clyde: He will not be dishing and swishing in the dark.

Russell goes on a furious comeback against a blinded Jordan. It’s make it / take it, and Jordan “can’t see” to defend, but Russell “doesn’t protect the ball again” and Jordan steals it. The score is tied with 8 seconds.

Marv: Here’s Jordan. Game on the line. 6 seconds. 4 seconds.

Jordan slowly dribbles right, sweat poring off his roided up body, comes back left. Suddenly visioned once again thanks to the love of the roaring crowd, he nails a 19 footer for the glorious victory!

Marv: YES! Jordan wins it! He wins it! Michael Jordan with the jumper at the buzzer.
Harlan: We have just witnessed the greatest performance EVER in the history of basketball!
Clyde: He is the embodiment of supremitude!
Walton: That is what the beauty of the game is all about!

And if he misses, then it was a foul, and he’s going to the line. And if he misses at the line, he’s going to hit ’em in OT. Vince guarantees it!

That is why wrestling is the only sportertainment industry where a comeback is a good idea. The script lets the old man win even though he can’t do young man things. The egomaniac can come off like a babyface because the announcers tell you he is. And everybody gets the experience they really want. If Jordan’s got class, and I’m not saying he does, but if he does, he’ll just thank the Flash owner for the opportunity, graciously decline, and triple the proposed charity donation. For all the little Jordamaniacs running wild out there!

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Bryon Russell’s Heel Turn. Michael Jordan as WWE Hero?”

  1. Hi Above Courtside Says:

    If you want an old man named Russell to go 1 on 1 with MJ, let’s see if Bill is up for a comeback.

  2. pmadavi Says:

    What’s Jordan got there, King? It’s a turn-around jumper! It’s a damn turn-around jumper! Somebody stop this!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: