Game 4: Lakers vs. Celtics – The Tequila Post

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So I just got back from the bar, and I’m gonna do a semi-live blog while I watch game 4 on the DVR. En vino veritas. Wanna fight about it?

It’s on motherfudgers! Paul Pierce dropping buckets early. Kevin Garnett bringing it early. Fart the Lakers. Fart Gasol and his sweet face up jumper. He ain’t the truth! Check out Rajon Rondo on the boards. 6′ tall and the best rebounder on the court. Put him with Paul Pierce, and what you gonna do? Huh? Nothing. You got nothing!

Who taught Bynum to use the glass? Oh yeah. Kareem. Garnett right back. Eat it! Gar-f’n-nett! Oh, my name is Gasol. I finish with my LEFT hand. Pansy! No wonder you wear purple and yellow. Artest’s first jumper puts a dent in the backboard. Finally the refs notice that Bynum has build a small fort in the lane where he lives on offense. 3 second violation birches!

When is the last time Ray Allen made a shot? Did he use them all up in Game 2? Stealing the ball from Kobe is a foul. It’s built into his contract with Nike. LeBron is going to renegotiate to include that clause. Gasol whining about contact on a rebound he couldn’t squeeze… “This is not rugby! This is foulings! Garnetts is foulings me!”

Celtics might think about making layups at some point. You know, if winning is on the agenda. Perkins called for a foul for trying to defend a Laker. Bad move on his part. Breen just called Fisher “Kobe-like” because he scored 11 in the fourth in game 3. Doesn’t that make him LeBron-like? Kobe making nice passes but can’t stay in front of Rondo in transition. Not his fault. LA needs to match him up PG to (Farmar not Fisher).

Celtics by 3 at the end of the 1st quarter. Pierce playing well. Expect Ray Allen and Garnett to catch mono this game since only one Celt is able to play well at a time. Mike Breen has given Davis the backhanded compliment “pretty impressive athleticism for a guy his size” about 20 times throughout these playoffs. Just call him a fat guy and get it over with! Does Nate Robinson even know what basketball is? He seems to think the game is about bouncing a ball and throwing it at a metal hoop once in a while and running around without any particular purpose.

Paul Pierce is killing Artest in pick and rolls. JVG points out that big bodied perimeter defenders have trouble getting around screens. Davis needs to stop licking his teeth. I’m getting a little bit sick here. I hate the Farmar / Brown backcourt.

Man. Videogame commercials are so much better than actual movies. If I didn’t have a job, I would so buy Starcraft 2 when it comes out. You guys think I could survive on my wife’s salary?

Pierce shoots 4 of 8 in the first, and the announcers are so proud of him. I remember a day not that long ago when a 4-8 quarter from Pierce was average at best. Of course with Boston shooting 34% from the field… Glen Davis is like Charles Barkley if Barkley was 1/2 as talented and shocked by every positive play he made. Has there every been a player more allergic to officiating than Rasheed? He’s stunned beyond belief every time any call is made, like he’s never, ever heard a whistle before.

Rajon drives directly into the Bryant zone and draws a dubious foul. Finally we’re getting a little home cooking. Of course Rondo shoots free throws like a drunk Ben Wallace, so… Kobe doesn’t get arc under his shot. Even his release is a total Jordan rip. MJ should sue his copycat ass. Making shots in the finals! That is Jordan business. Let’s interrupt this unsightly Lakers’ run with some Jordan stats…

His playoff numbers from 1991-1993 were 33.7 points, 6.4 rebounds, 6.6 assists, 2.1 steals, 1.0 blocks on 50% shooting from the field, 39% from 3 point land, and 84% from the foul line… perfect. Absolutely shooting guard perfect. All other players are terrible, terrible basketball atrocities whom I’ve always despised.

Lakers lead by 6 because Boston misses free throws and layups. A shiggy team like this should lose. If LeBron was here, the Lakers would be in trouble. Boston continues to blaw. 8 point lead. Garnett scores on a drive and draws the foul. Boston is the greatest of all time!

Pierce called for an offensive foul on Kobe pre-contact flop. Boston back to suckland. Yay LA! Rondo steals. Go Boston. Fudge LA again! Gasol with a miss. Foul called after the ball caroms off the backboard. Anybody else notice how often these guys decide that a foul happened after the miss? Makes you wonder if they actually watch what happens in each possession or just guess, doesn’t it? No? You must be a Cavs fan and therefore a child. Go to bed!

Garnett hits a buzzerbeater off a Ray Allen airball block by Gasol. LA still up 3 at halftime. Boston has to be “happy” to by down only 3 because they are a terrible offensive team with no business playing in the Finals. When I was a teenager, my team was the Chicago Bulls, and… remember that Jordan statline up above? Well let me tell you, I never questioned, never doubted, and never worried. I knew we had that line coming, and we would win in the end. Everyone else is so gawdawful it makes me puke in my mouth a little. Eww. The 2010 Celtics taste like 5PM tandoori chicken.

Why are we crediting LA for Boston missing uncontested layups in the halftime here? Really. The Celtics just aren’t that good. They overperformed for two series. Now their true 4th seed colors are showing. Larry Bird is rolling over in his grave. The Lakers are just better. If Boston steals this game it’ll be a fudging miracle. The only game they won took a record breaking hot shooting streak from Ray Allen, the worst shooter in the rest of the series (pretty sure he’s got cataracts at this point). Mark Jackson just criticized Ray Allen for turning down jump shots. The greatest jumpshooter since Reggie Miller retired. Only I may insult Ray Allen’s shooting! Mark Jackson is a fudging genius.

Garnett needs to Rochambeau Gasol. These fouls aren’t intimidating. Gasol makes Perkins look like he’s about 6’5″. Bynum is going back to the lockerroom. I hope he has that disease from the 12 Monkeys and can’t come back until 2033 after Bruce Willis rips out his teeth in a bathtub. We need an advantage of some sort, and amateur dentistry seems like a good choice.

Celtics get a tough steal and then give the ball away on an uncontested turnover. Shiggy. They don’t believe in their ability to score in the half court. Bad 3 second call on Garnett. 20 seconds left on the shot clock. Did he teleport into the lane? They could call it on Bynum on every possession and have once. Bullshig. The refs don’t know what the fudge their job is. It’s nothing but ego and idiocy. Go Lakers! They can finish layups and make free throws! Boo Boston!

I hope LA finishes this shig in Boston because this is just depressing. The Celtics aren’t even bothering to pursue rebounds. No point. They can’t finish at any range. LA has a 5 point lead, but Boston’s offense is so inept, even when they are wide open, it might was well be 15. I hate these guys. 34 points per game on 50% from the field and 39% from three. That’s how you build a dynasty. Not by missing free throws and open threes. That’s puffin talk!

Boston cuts it to one on some lucky transition plays then get a break when Odom is called for an offensive foul on a good looking offensive rebound. Then Fisher finally gets called for his perpetual holding on Ray Allen. Garnett scores over Odom on the ensuing possession. Boston by one. Lord I love them. Go Celtics. Kobe hits a contested 3. Boo Boston! I hate you punks. Ray Allen makes a jumper! Yay Boston! Perkins called for a pointless foul on Gasol. If he sold shoes for someone that would have been a clean knock away. Boston needs to start marketing its roll players better. Rodman would have got away with that.

What the fudge is this Inception movie about? I want to see it because it just might be the spiritual the sequel to Dark City, but so far it just looks like Leo DiCaprio in a living pop=up book. T-Mobile commercial with the Barry (Rick, Brent, Jon et al) family looking very awkward because they all despise their father like everyone else does.

They are doubling Bryant on the catch now. Rondo has been missing bunnies all game. Bynum is back out there with the plague. If the Celtics could make open shots, they’d be up 20. Miss after uncontested miss. Disgusting. It’s called basketball guys. You have to put the ball through the hoop. I don’t want to hear about the great Lakers defense after this game. I want to hear about how Boston doesn’t belong in the Finals. Come on media! Get it together!

Oh dag! We’re actually up in this game? How did that happen? Both teams must be terrible! Nope. Kobe buries a contested trey. LA doesn’t suck. Moving screen on Rasheed, or possibly being Rasheed called on being Rasheed. Anyway it’s a fudging turnover. Kobe hits another one. Fudge you Boston and fudge your fans. I hope we all drown in pools of our own vomit. Boston misses another open J. Kobe misses one. Pierce called for a foul on a Gasol offensive rebound. Boston steals it and yet again gives it back up on an unforced turnover because they are the worst finals team I’ve seen since the 2007 Cavs, 2006 everyone, 2003 Nets, 2002 Nets, 2001 Pacers, and 1999 Knicks.

I WILL NOT WATCH THE WORLD CUP, ESPN! LEAVE ME THE FUDGE ALONE!

I hate Kobe Bryant with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face! “Oh you’re going to eat my chicken, ooooooh!”

A bunch of crazy non-sense hustle plays where the refs allowed a bunch of contact happened and Boston is up 6. That plays into my theory that Boston NEEDS the officials to allow a more physical game in order to be in it. It also plays into my theory that Boston wants to thug the game up because they aren’t as talented as the Lakers.

Jonah Hex would be better served as an animated feature. Megan Fox doesn’t matter. There are a million hot girls who can’t act in Hollywood.

Breen again says of Davis, “He has tremendous skill for a man his size.” Just say that he’s fat and capable of playing NBA basketball and get over it, man! You know who else I miss? Tim Duncan. Back when he was playing basketball, this sloppy type of Finals would never happen.

Rasheed draws a technical for bitching after clearly fouling Bryant on a hack in the paint. Dumbass. JVG and Jackson dance around the classy “Kobe sucks” chant that Boston fans just can’t hold back. Tony Allen called for a “standing near Kobe while he dribbles” foul. Foolish play by Tony. Should have sat on the court with his eyes shut. Gasol has a really soft touch. Gets a lot of bounces. Another tech called on Boston (Nate Robinson). Go refs! Whoo! I was really worried that you guys wouldn’t get noticed this game, but way to stand out and make sure that profanity and big eyes didn’t make the white fans in the stadium afraid that Ron Artest might punch them in the face. You guys are THE reason I watch basketball. I want to wear YOUR shoes. Refs! Refs! Refs! Whee-ha! Fudge the players and fair play! Who cares about the actual on the court action? Pfff! Fans!

At least LA managed to miss both technical foul shots. I think I like Nate Robinson. I didn’t when he played for the Knicks, but I like that he seems to get who he is for these Celtics. Odom gets a bounce. I want to see Celtics shots bounce into the rim. Where’s our bounces?!?! Russell’s Celts used up all the favor of the luck gods. Celtics have been maintaining a 9 point lead for most of the 4th quarter, but it has oddly felt untenable since KryptoNate and Stubs have done most the work. And Davis gets the bounce at the free throw line! Go luck god! 11 point lead with 4 minutes left. Kobe misses a stupid lefty runner that he shouldn’t have taken. Ball bounces out to Artest by dumb luck and he draws a chance for a three point play. 8 point game. I hate you luck god!

Did Tony Allen just attempt a 3? Has he ever made a 3 pointer? Ever? I mean even like in practice or his own driveway? He shoots jumpers like he just wandered out of a time portal from 1897. Say “hello” to the bench, Tony. Kobe hits two free throws. 6 point game. Pierce hits on a broken play step back. 8 point game. I love these shiggy Celtics! Kobe hits a jumper. Go to hell, Boston! I wish you were someone else. 6 point game 1:30 left. Pierce drives for a 3 point play. Celtics, I always loved you! Probably should have been a charge on Pierce, but Bryant turned his body, and it’s tough to get that call. Should have just blocked Pierce’s shot. Kobe draws a foul behind the arc. Good call. Ray hit him in the air even though Mark Jackson doesn’t think so. Actually on the replay, Ray blocked it clean and his follow through happened to hit Kobe. Bad call. Bryant makes all three.

Rondo steals a kickout from Kobe and gets a layup. Fisher gets the points right back as Boston jams the three point line and leaves the basket unprotected. KG to the line to try to ice it. Makes both. 8 point game. 17.7 left. God I love you, Boston! My heroes. Finally I’ll be able to sleep tonight! Psst, once again rebounds and physicality make the difference. Kobe hits a flat, impossible three over tough defense. It’s like he phased the ball through the rim. LA fouls Pierce on the inbound. Pierce hits both. 7 point game. 9.5 left.

Finals tied 2 – 2. Advantage is still Lakers. They have 2 more home games, they have the chance to adjust to this loss. It’s tough to win back to back in the Finals against well coached teams. But Nate Robinson is giving credit to God in the postgame interview. That ought to help… maybe. He should have given all credit and respect to David Stern. Game 5 in Boston. Must win for the Celtics. This series is ugly and rebound-centric. Reminds me of the 1994 Finals. The questions are: “Who is Hakeem?” and of course “Who is John Starks?” I actually think the answers to both might be “Kobe”.

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11 Responses to “Game 4: Lakers vs. Celtics – The Tequila Post”

  1. High Above Courtside Says:

    You hope we all drown in pools of our own vomit? And I was thinking I had a good buzz going last night downing a few PBR’s.

    This is the greatest piece of Gonzo journalism I’ve seen since the death of Dr. Hunter S Thompson. with a litlle bit of “stream of consciousness” thrown in. My aplogies to the ghost of James Joyce.

    The Fakers have got the spins—-

    Hope you have a good friday

  2. pmadavi Says:

    I was gonna blog a post, but then I got high.
    I was gonna break down the game, but then I got high.
    I was gonna credit Boston’s bench, but then I got high.
    Then I got high.
    Then I got high.
    Then I got high.

  3. High Above Courtside Says:

    Why do you think they call me High Above Courtside?

  4. Chris Ross Says:

    Really good blog man! Can you check out mine? cuz I really wanna your opinion about my thoughts. http://chrisross91.wordpress.com/

    • jpalumbo Says:

      Thanks, Chris. I left a reply to the your Nate Robinson post, which was on the money!

      • High Above Courtside Says:

        Looks like some editing has gone on with the tequilla blog?

      • jpalumbo Says:

        i actually think i changed all the swears to non-swears prior to publishing…

      • High Above Courtside Says:

        I was thinking more about the drowning in pools of vomit sentence

      • jpalumbo Says:

        i think i actually mention vomit a few times in this gem… try ctrl+F and type in vomit, you should find what you’re looking for unless paul took it out for some reason. i sure didn’t. that was my death touch sentence!

      • High Above Courtside Says:

        Coll I found it! The only better than drowning in a pool of your own vomit is drowning in a pool of someone else’s vomit.

        Like I said this is Hunter Thompsonesque!

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